Supermarket Driving Rules

A quick pop into Woolies Sandton on Saturday to pick up a sandwich and a bottle of water turned into 17 minutes of coronary-inducing tensioned despair.

Sure, it’s early November.  Only one more pay cheque before Christmas and the hordes are out in force, eyes wide and glistening, their tails wagging as they fall prey to the Machiavellian marketing ploys of savvy retailers.

With 7 ½ weeks still to go the store is Yule infused floor to ceiling from the door all the way to the food department at the rear, where the Christmas machine rises to dizzy heights.  Subtly placed in front of and surrounding the food hall entrance, racks and shelves sparkle with shapes and textures in hues of silver, red, green and gilt.  Yes, I carefully selected that word, playing on the shiny gold colour which retailers deem essential seasonal decor and mixing it with how we feel pre- and post Christmas.

This descriptive detail is just to set a mind picture for you, reader.  The poor goons who passed the portal into the food hall were psychologically switched onto silly season, and perhaps this blew the circuit breaker on their usual common sense and courtesy motherboards.

Why else would a rather large mother and daughter duo halt midway through the entrance and lean on their trolley to chat inanely about what they were going to do after they’d left the store?  Meanwhile, at least eight people and an assortment of baskets and trolleys were stalled, desperately seeking a small gap to pass through and begin the hell of busy Saturday grocery shopping.

It went downhill from there until I escaped clutching my items, perspiring, heart racing and ready to switch religious faiths to any one which doesn’t celebrate this insanity.  And this is weeks before I think about getting my Christmas act together – usually I’m a good way into seasonal shopping, wrapping and planning before I decide that the whole thing is for nutcases and completely over the top, seeking solace in wine, chocolate and a good dose of Ebenezer Scrooge, sensible man.

However, in my ongoing quest to provide answers alongside my whinges, I’ve devised a solution to the appalling pedestrian trolley antics witnessed on Saturday.  In fact, the solution is so simple it should become common usage in all supermarkets throughout the year.

1.       A small section of the car park is set aside for trolley driving tests.  Shoppers have to demonstrate that they can handle a trolley and earn a trolley license.  This is a one-off test (unless you lose your license due to bad driving at a later stage) and the credit card-like license is swiped to unlock a trolley as you enter the supermarket.  The cards can be used at any chain and any branch.

2.       Trolley /pedestrian traffic moves left to right, so as you enter with your trolley, you turn left and commence a slow, steady perambulation up and down each aisle, picking your items of the shelf as you pass.  A one way system comes into play here.

3.       Shoppers must have a hand on their trolley at all times.  If you need to leave the trolley and reach something, you neatly park it parallel to the left shelf, fetch your item then return swiftly and move on.

4.       Should you decide, due to aisle congestion, that you don’t need to enter an aisle with your trolley, you may park it in one of the designated parking bays at the end of the aisle.  Stay within the lines please.

5.       When you get to the till and realise as your last item is rung up that you have forgotten something or want to change an item, ignore the impulse to dash off back into the fray, telling the cashier that you’ll be back in a second.  You won’t, and the rest of us will be devising hideous torture and disfigurement for you.  No, you hang in there, sweetheart.  Pay for what you’ve got, park your trolley on the other side of the check out and run back into the supermarket to pick up the errant items.  You forgot it, don’t make it my problem and force me to glare at the stalled check out crew while you complete your shopping.

6.       Husbands and children – fabulous that you’ve got someone willing to tackle the grocery shop with you.  Now send him and the brats outside to window shop, spend a fortune at the arcade or read story books at Exclusive.  The supermarket aisle is no place for family meetings and discussions on products.  Be brave, have only one shopping decision maker.  Truly, it’ll save hours and others’ blood pressure.  As for that thing you do, parking the trolley at a 45° angle across the aisle, whilst you and hubby block whatever space is left and chat, leaving the kids to meander around in front of other shoppers – do you do that on the road?  No, didn’t think so. 

7.       In fact, following the rules of the road is pretty good advice for cruising the supermarket aisles as well.  Keep left, indicate when turning or stopping, park your vehicle(and your body)out of the way of other traffic, and be courteous at all times. Simple.

Happy Christmas shopping to one and all.