When the overindulging chickens come home to roost...

Two boiled eggs and unlimited cooked spinach for lunch?  Surely, someone’s idea of a joke.  A humourless troll, perhaps. 

But no, that’s what lies before me, the deep green shreds of spinach counterfoil to the rich yellow and blinding white of the soft boiled free range eggs nestled on top.  Laughing.  At me.  Really, who eats this stuff?

Another life lesson wrapped inside a foolproof, can’t-go-wrong 13 days to lose a minimum of 9kg metabolism diet.  Thirteen days.  I can do that – I survived pregnancy and raising two boys, for heaven’s sake.

Oh, no alcohol.  Minimal coffee and tea. No salt, chilli, gum.  No cheating – as soon as you do, stop immediately as the diet won’t work and you’re wasting your time.  Hmm.  This is a serious commitment.  I’ve ALWAYS cheated and picked up where I left off again. 

Still, a comrade has survived her first week, lost a chunk of weight, is feeling good and the diet reports on social media (always such a reliable source of factual information, don’t you think?) say the weight shed remains shed.  Confuddling the metabolism seems to work.

Today is the day and I leap onto the scale early, smugly confident that whatever the reading, it’s already history.  Gosh, can that be right?  Numbers I’ve never seen before (and not in a good way) stare accusingly from the display.  No matter, the weight loss will be even more spectacular.

 

Breakfast is…a cup of black coffee.  Easy, that’s my favourite morning brew.  But only one?  And it is to be savoured, as lunch is a long way away.  So delay, crawl back into bed (easy, a throbbing head and sore throat announced themselves at dawn) and put off this culinary treat as long as possible.

There’s no avoiding lunch, though.  Somehow, this colourful mess has to be glugged down.  As much cooked spinach as I like?  I don’t.  I’ve worked out why this regime works – unlimited quantities of disliked food = eating as little as possible. Fooling my stomach into pretended satiety rather than receiving more food it can’t bear.

And in a few hours I have dinner to look forward to – as much grilled steak as I like.  My idea of hell only one level above unlimited spinach.

It’s going to be a devilishly long two weeks.