Magic Mirrors

It's always interesting to catch a glimpse of what Him Outdoors thinks makes a woman happy.  Bless him, he's a special soul but sometimes the only thing to do is to shake my head and reach for the wine.

I recently went to visit him at his temporary headquarters, a rather basic little cottage.  He disappeared early on day 1, reappearing bearing a proud grin and a mirror.  "This will make it more homely and comfortable for you" he explained his capture.  Really?  We don't have an abundance of mirrors at home and nothing full length at that but still, his heart was in the right place.

Naturally, the job got as far as hunting down the prize, installation is for another month.  Or year.  So the mirror remains leaning where it was set down two weeks ago.

It took a few days before I took any note of what the mirror was reflecting and needed a double take.  Who did that skinny image belong to?  Most certainly, not me in my anytime body, let alone the post holiday one.

But every glance stubbornly revealed a most attractive slender figure and despite myself, I believed it.  I strode out each morning feeling on top of the world, several inches taller and ready to take on anything the day could throw at me. The change in demeanor and confidence was remarkable - I was Hercules, Claudia Schiffer and Maggie Thatcher all in one. Splendid!

Needless to say, to an inveterate over-analyser, the matter couldn't stay there. An old blog I wrote several years ago, Through the Looking Glass of a Friend's Eyes, https://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1547294594687469261#editor/target=post;postID=4687494867563818917;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=15;src=postname, swooped in for a lengthy internal debate.

It's always puzzled me that our self images and the way we are viewed by our friends are so far apart.  After all, we check ourselves out and have a clear picture in our heads of what we look like, so why my besties (bright, visually unimpaired women) can't see my awful legs and wobbly tum is peculiar. 

Perhaps the answer lies in the mirrors we install.  If one mirror can so obviously reflect a different image to the one I'm used to, who is to say the regular looking glass is right?  What if by some wicked twist of fate, mirror manufacturers have got it wrong?  And millions of women are tormented by a picture of themselves which isn't true?

So much for wishful thinking but lets turn this issue on it's head.  What if every single mirror ever produced had to under-reflect and remove inches, like Him Outdoor's magic one?

Would the diet, fashion, women's mag, cosmetic treatments and surgeries go out of business?  Would the fastest growth industries in the world be those which enable women to be the strongest, fastest, most capable, confident versions of themselves, leading richly fulfilling lives not dependent upon self esteem and feeling good about themselves?  Would world economies be led by women and wars be a thing of the past?

After all, women are more than capable of running the world and if a group of 2X-ers gathered around a table to discuss human rights, trade and industry, the environment, national boundaries, oil and whatever else happens in the global power echelons, I'm confident that time, money, energy and lives wouldn't be squandered in power struggles, egos and the like.

Ask your average working mother how efficiently she manages a workload equaling 48 hours in less than 24, and gets up to do it all again the next day.

The Magic Mirror - never mind removing inches, I've lost a couple of feet from my hips!

Updating Proverbs

An antique uncle gave pause for thought in his response to news of a family disappointment.  “Poor old Rob,” he said. “As one door closes, another slams shut.”

I had to read that twice, then guffawed aloud.  Seriously, who expected a bit of millennium cynicism from an 80 year old?  But what fun to rewrite old saws for modern living and I immediately set to work.

First to go is ‘it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.’  What sort of an oxymoron is that?  Duh, of course an ill wind blows misfortune.  How much better is ‘an ill wind blows the stench of uncollected trash your way’?

‘There’s a lid for every pot’ was my well meaning father’s assurance after my divorce.  Frankly, ‘there’s a handyman listed in the Yellow Pages’ is far more useful.

‘Tomorrow’s another day’.  Err, yes.  But how that wipes out today’s crisis / humiliation / disaster I don’t know.  ‘Tomorrow nothing will be different, you’ll continue batting away at the same old drama’ may be less soothing but more realistic.

‘Good things come to those who wait’ must be a South African classic. Because after several hours in the vehicle license renewal queue you reach the desk only to be slapped with a hefty bill for traffic fines you weren’t expecting.  Damn those sneaky cameras. ‘Big surprises come to those who queue’ is much more likely.

‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.  This is Africa, what tough going?  We have 4x4’s for that. ‘When the going gets tough, put the Hilux into low range’ or ‘Avoiding potholes is for sissies’ are perfect bumper sticker slogans.

‘Fortune favours the bold’ sounds like a sales pitch motto for the Lotto.  ‘Boldly fling enough money at buying Lotto tickets you’ll increase your chances’ is a life lesson in statistics.  

‘A little learning is a dangerous thing’ – try explaining that to the keyboard warriors on Facebook and Twitter.  They are the lie behind ‘Ignorance is bliss’ – raging anger rather than bliss boosts screeds of ignorance spewed into the ether.  Perhaps a Buddhist author could write a best seller - Zen and the Keyboard Warrior and bring some calm to social media.

You can, apparently, lead a horse to water but forcing him to drink is impossible, proving that it’s all in the offering, darling.  I can lead a posse of girlfriends to water and they’ll immediately add scotch and down it.

Some of these proverbs date back nearly 2000 years, surely it's time to retire them and develop more pertinent maxims?  They've certainly outlived their reference and relevance.