Updating Proverbs

An antique uncle gave pause for thought in his response to news of a family disappointment.  “Poor old Rob,” he said. “As one door closes, another slams shut.”

I had to read that twice, then guffawed aloud.  Seriously, who expected a bit of millennium cynicism from an 80 year old?  But what fun to rewrite old saws for modern living and I immediately set to work.

First to go is ‘it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.’  What sort of an oxymoron is that?  Duh, of course an ill wind blows misfortune.  How much better is ‘an ill wind blows the stench of uncollected trash your way’?

‘There’s a lid for every pot’ was my well meaning father’s assurance after my divorce.  Frankly, ‘there’s a handyman listed in the Yellow Pages’ is far more useful.

‘Tomorrow’s another day’.  Err, yes.  But how that wipes out today’s crisis / humiliation / disaster I don’t know.  ‘Tomorrow nothing will be different, you’ll continue batting away at the same old drama’ may be less soothing but more realistic.

‘Good things come to those who wait’ must be a South African classic. Because after several hours in the vehicle license renewal queue you reach the desk only to be slapped with a hefty bill for traffic fines you weren’t expecting.  Damn those sneaky cameras. ‘Big surprises come to those who queue’ is much more likely.

‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.  This is Africa, what tough going?  We have 4x4’s for that. ‘When the going gets tough, put the Hilux into low range’ or ‘Avoiding potholes is for sissies’ are perfect bumper sticker slogans.

‘Fortune favours the bold’ sounds like a sales pitch motto for the Lotto.  ‘Boldly fling enough money at buying Lotto tickets you’ll increase your chances’ is a life lesson in statistics.  

‘A little learning is a dangerous thing’ – try explaining that to the keyboard warriors on Facebook and Twitter.  They are the lie behind ‘Ignorance is bliss’ – raging anger rather than bliss boosts screeds of ignorance spewed into the ether.  Perhaps a Buddhist author could write a best seller - Zen and the Keyboard Warrior and bring some calm to social media.

You can, apparently, lead a horse to water but forcing him to drink is impossible, proving that it’s all in the offering, darling.  I can lead a posse of girlfriends to water and they’ll immediately add scotch and down it.

Some of these proverbs date back nearly 2000 years, surely it's time to retire them and develop more pertinent maxims?  They've certainly outlived their reference and relevance.