"It requires surgical repair that can't be done in Kenya. You could try the UK or South Africa," the physio suggested. Involuntary tears quivered on my lower lashes. "You can't be serious, it was just a stupid fall. Surely you can physio the kinks out?"
"I'm not touching your shoulder. Osteoarthritis, labral tears in 2 places, the supraspinatus tendon completely off the bone. Surgery, 4 weeks in a sling then we can begin 6 months of rehab. You'll be seeing enough of me in future."
Stunned and shaken, for the next few days I alternated between tearful gulps and bitter anger. My October trip to SA was now in complete disarray and must be pulled forward and a heap of plans and reunions cancelled. Why? How? Not fair! Then I thought about my good friend Di Atherton, a marvel of strength and mindful attitude. Poor Di came off second best in a battle she calls 'Gate vs Di' (www.diatherton.co.za/gate-vs-di-lesson-1-flow/) when a heavy gate landed awkwardly on her leg, doing unspeakable damage to her knee. More than a year, several operations and months on crutches later, the diligent regular recountings of her lessons, pain endured, frustration, small successes, backward steps, responses, emotions, appreciation and gains have inspired all who know her. She's my role model not only for surmounting the difficulties with a positive attitude and a smile but for openly sharing, with painful honesty, the emotional hurricane she was living through. Sometimes, the pain, frustration and anger got too much and she was big enough not to pretend but to be real. We aren't plastic shop dummies with fake smiles, we are humans and our inner child deals with emotions like the child he/she is.
Well, thanks Di, I tried hard but your carefully recorded and shared lessons only got this old bird so far and I continued simmering until I heard a morning news snippet from Afganistan. A school bomb had killed 58 children and without thinking, my emotions faded away completely. My troubles were nothing and I honestly knew that. The emotional fog rolled back, freeing me from the awful weight of anger I'd been lugging around.
Analysing it, I came to the realisation that we can read and hear about all the lessons learned by others and be inspired by them but even if facing the identical situation, those lessons are not ours. In fact, 'lesson' has become my latest irksome word - smugly overused to elevate the 'student' to a higher level so from now on, it's banned from this blog!
We each have to find our own key to acceptance, triggered by something which may be random but is intensely personal and vibrates on a level we are barely aware of until we find it. I don't know why 58 children killed violently in their classroom on the other side of the world was my key but it was and I'm thankful for it.
So after a long 10 days waiting for a medical appointment in SA, things came to a rapid head last night and in a flurry of activity consultation and surgery dates were secured, flights rebooked and my support network for lifts and pre- and post op accommodation activated. But when I spoke to my sons, nerves jangled and tears threatened and they picked that up, unknowingly gifting me with a treasured nugget that I'm going to cling to over the months to come.
Unbidden and individually within the space of 20 minutes the intense, studious post-grad scientist and the swaggering airline captain revealed their interior true selves and took my breath away. As parents, we proudly revel in our offspring's exterior selves - successful, intelligent, witty, kind, good-looking, whatever they show to the world but their deeply caring responses are less often seen.
I got hold of No 2 son first and updated him not only with new dates but admitted that travelling to visit him post-op was going to be difficult so I wouldn't be able to see him. "No problem, I'll speak to my supervisor tomorrow and ask for special leave. Then I'll speak to No 1 son and find out if he can get me a bargain air ticket and I'll come to you. Relax, No 1 and I will sort it out and let you know." This young man is currently on the clock, the countdown to completing and submitting his Masters' thesis has begun and time is short. Yet without hesitation and on a tight financial budget, he's putting down his work and making time to see me.
No 1 called and within minutes had me laughing as only he can - he has a wickedly sharp sense of humour that is absolutely irresistible."I know you are scared and nervous and emotional," he roared, "not to mention frustrated and fed up, in pain blah blah. That's normal but the real issue with you is the same as I had a few months back. Age. You're getting older and no longer bounce. When I had that fall in June, the hardest thing was realising that I'm old and not made of rubber anymore" Age? He's 28! And absolutely on point as he so often is. But at least his fall had a great story attached, involving a bachelor party, a climbing wall and copious amounts of alcohol, with a bad ending - he suffered some serious and very painful damage to his back and leg.
"I'll pick you up from the airport tomorrow, you'll spend the night with us then I'll take you back for your flight the following day. I'm flying to Ndola on Wednesday, leaving 3 hours later than you but it's no trouble to go in early. And I'll call No 2 and sort out his flight, you know what he's like, he'll forget to call me until last minute so I'll handle this. Don't worry about a thing, I'll get him to either Joburg or Durban, wherever he wants."
Wow. Just...wow. Unexpectedly bathed in the light of their love, care and compassion, I floated in grateful bliss, all my fears forgotten. To experience all the love that I'd poured into them now sent back to me in spades, unasked and totally unexpected, was blinding. I am so blessed to have the opportunity to see for myself the kindness and care residing within those souls that are so precious to me.
This beautiful gift glows inside me and when the going gets a little rough will, I am sure, pulse soothing light into the darkness of spirit. Nakupenda 1 & 2.
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