Top of mind at the moment is my rapidly emptying nest. Keith left mid August for his new job at Federal Air, at Oliver Tambo in Jozi. He starts at Phinda Game Lodge tomorrow, flying guests from Richards Bay to the private lodge and back. Robert goes back to school next week, and starts writing his matric finals within four weeks. Alan, of course, has been in Tete, North Mozambique for over a year.
What is to become of me? And when did I become this cliched empty nester? I was the one archly raising an eyebrow, rolling my eyes and smugly pitying tales of middle aged women, mourning their grown children and empty days.
Obviously, the same arrogance we have as teenagers and young 20-somethings presents differently, but is there nonetheless. We were going to change the world our parents had messed up, our parenting style was going to be oh, so different to theirs and as for when our babes left home, horray, our lives were going to start!
How very disappointing, then, to stare at my world from this vantage point, more than half my three score years and ten past, and realise that far from being a unique individual, blazing my own trail - I'm following a very well trodden path left by generations of women before me!
My generation of baby boomers is the one whose conspicuous consumption has created a guzzling resource munching monster, devouring the planet.
Our eagerness to protect human rights has left enormous gaps allowing those of less integrity to use, abuse and manipulate the system, to the detriment of ordinary people everywhere. Climate change, pillaging of the seas, destruction of the rainforests, corporate agricultural practises has led to less nutritious food production, and increased hunger.
Do you remember the words of Ed Harris' character in Apollo 13 - "It's not gonna happen on my watch" - well, its happened on ours. Where are the flower power planet loving hippies of the 60's and 70's, protesting war, human rights, poverty, freedom and peace? We hold them up as examples to be admired, but where are they in Noughties life? So much for fixing the mess our parents made!
And to top it all, as I gaze around my diminished dining room table, knowing that in a few months this will be dinner for one (cue violins here, perhaps an image of an elderly lady, teeth in a glass besides her, staring at a plate of tinned cat food?) I realise that my heart is full, and I'm grieving the loss of my role as a protective and nurturing mother. My sons are grown up, my role is changing, and I'm struggling to adapt. Who is this person? I was always so pro independence, encouraging them to get on and do it for themselves. Why, then, am I heartsore instead of proud?
Anyway, enough puzzling questions for one day. This musing has a very, very happy ending. Not only am I blessed to live 30 minutes away from the Kruger National Park, but Fed Air sends their pilots down to Phinda from Johannesburg, via Skukuza airstrip. Ours is not to reason why that peculiar routing, but to celebrate it. Karen and I are taking a roadtrip through the park this morning, picnic basket packed, to meet Keith for his 2 hour layover.
So he's left home, and his chair at dinner stares emptily back at me; but such an adventure - the opportunity to stand on a dusty airstrip in the bush, watching him land a heartstoppingly small plane. To sit under an acacia tree, drinking coffee, catching up on his life and to share his excitement at his new job. What an achievement for a young man, who's worked so hard on a shoestring budget, made so many sacrifices and now begins a growth phase in his dream job.
I'm so proud of him, and resolve to break the chains of grief and march forward into my new role, whatever it may be. Perhaps that is the secret reason behind empty nest syndrome - our roleless future. Up to us to find a role, and commence immediately.
One life, duration unknown. Live it!
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