Magic Mirrors

It's always interesting to catch a glimpse of what Him Outdoors thinks makes a woman happy.  Bless him, he's a special soul but sometimes the only thing to do is to shake my head and reach for the wine.

I recently went to visit him at his temporary headquarters, a rather basic little cottage.  He disappeared early on day 1, reappearing bearing a proud grin and a mirror.  "This will make it more homely and comfortable for you" he explained his capture.  Really?  We don't have an abundance of mirrors at home and nothing full length at that but still, his heart was in the right place.

Naturally, the job got as far as hunting down the prize, installation is for another month.  Or year.  So the mirror remains leaning where it was set down two weeks ago.

It took a few days before I took any note of what the mirror was reflecting and needed a double take.  Who did that skinny image belong to?  Most certainly, not me in my anytime body, let alone the post holiday one.

But every glance stubbornly revealed a most attractive slender figure and despite myself, I believed it.  I strode out each morning feeling on top of the world, several inches taller and ready to take on anything the day could throw at me. The change in demeanor and confidence was remarkable - I was Hercules, Claudia Schiffer and Maggie Thatcher all in one. Splendid!

Needless to say, to an inveterate over-analyser, the matter couldn't stay there. An old blog I wrote several years ago, Through the Looking Glass of a Friend's Eyes, https://draft.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1547294594687469261#editor/target=post;postID=4687494867563818917;onPublishedMenu=allposts;onClosedMenu=allposts;postNum=15;src=postname, swooped in for a lengthy internal debate.

It's always puzzled me that our self images and the way we are viewed by our friends are so far apart.  After all, we check ourselves out and have a clear picture in our heads of what we look like, so why my besties (bright, visually unimpaired women) can't see my awful legs and wobbly tum is peculiar. 

Perhaps the answer lies in the mirrors we install.  If one mirror can so obviously reflect a different image to the one I'm used to, who is to say the regular looking glass is right?  What if by some wicked twist of fate, mirror manufacturers have got it wrong?  And millions of women are tormented by a picture of themselves which isn't true?

So much for wishful thinking but lets turn this issue on it's head.  What if every single mirror ever produced had to under-reflect and remove inches, like Him Outdoor's magic one?

Would the diet, fashion, women's mag, cosmetic treatments and surgeries go out of business?  Would the fastest growth industries in the world be those which enable women to be the strongest, fastest, most capable, confident versions of themselves, leading richly fulfilling lives not dependent upon self esteem and feeling good about themselves?  Would world economies be led by women and wars be a thing of the past?

After all, women are more than capable of running the world and if a group of 2X-ers gathered around a table to discuss human rights, trade and industry, the environment, national boundaries, oil and whatever else happens in the global power echelons, I'm confident that time, money, energy and lives wouldn't be squandered in power struggles, egos and the like.

Ask your average working mother how efficiently she manages a workload equaling 48 hours in less than 24, and gets up to do it all again the next day.

The Magic Mirror - never mind removing inches, I've lost a couple of feet from my hips!

Updating Proverbs

An antique uncle gave pause for thought in his response to news of a family disappointment.  “Poor old Rob,” he said. “As one door closes, another slams shut.”

I had to read that twice, then guffawed aloud.  Seriously, who expected a bit of millennium cynicism from an 80 year old?  But what fun to rewrite old saws for modern living and I immediately set to work.

First to go is ‘it’s an ill wind that blows nobody any good.’  What sort of an oxymoron is that?  Duh, of course an ill wind blows misfortune.  How much better is ‘an ill wind blows the stench of uncollected trash your way’?

‘There’s a lid for every pot’ was my well meaning father’s assurance after my divorce.  Frankly, ‘there’s a handyman listed in the Yellow Pages’ is far more useful.

‘Tomorrow’s another day’.  Err, yes.  But how that wipes out today’s crisis / humiliation / disaster I don’t know.  ‘Tomorrow nothing will be different, you’ll continue batting away at the same old drama’ may be less soothing but more realistic.

‘Good things come to those who wait’ must be a South African classic. Because after several hours in the vehicle license renewal queue you reach the desk only to be slapped with a hefty bill for traffic fines you weren’t expecting.  Damn those sneaky cameras. ‘Big surprises come to those who queue’ is much more likely.

‘When the going gets tough, the tough get going’.  This is Africa, what tough going?  We have 4x4’s for that. ‘When the going gets tough, put the Hilux into low range’ or ‘Avoiding potholes is for sissies’ are perfect bumper sticker slogans.

‘Fortune favours the bold’ sounds like a sales pitch motto for the Lotto.  ‘Boldly fling enough money at buying Lotto tickets you’ll increase your chances’ is a life lesson in statistics.  

‘A little learning is a dangerous thing’ – try explaining that to the keyboard warriors on Facebook and Twitter.  They are the lie behind ‘Ignorance is bliss’ – raging anger rather than bliss boosts screeds of ignorance spewed into the ether.  Perhaps a Buddhist author could write a best seller - Zen and the Keyboard Warrior and bring some calm to social media.

You can, apparently, lead a horse to water but forcing him to drink is impossible, proving that it’s all in the offering, darling.  I can lead a posse of girlfriends to water and they’ll immediately add scotch and down it.

Some of these proverbs date back nearly 2000 years, surely it's time to retire them and develop more pertinent maxims?  They've certainly outlived their reference and relevance.

Something Fishy

I covered a traumatic cat trip to the vets in an earlier blog and I regret to say that time hasn’t soothed the feline’s reaction to travel – they loathe it.  Loudly.

Current circumstances dictate weekly short trips by car for them and honestly, you’d think they were being racked or squeezed and spiked in a medieval iron maiden.  Seriously, these cats have taken complaints to a whole new (voiciferous) level.

Him Outdoors, always so cavalier about managing these things ( which could have something to do with the fact that he never has to!) volunteered to take over their temporary homing.  Involving a four hour car journey for them.

Taking pity on him (actually, in a preservation move to save their lives, cos if they start their chorus with him it’s likely they’ll be abandoned on the side of the road) I trundle off to the vet (sans cats) to discuss sedation and best tactics for a less traumatic journey.  The holistic vet suggests a more natural approach to deliver calm and reduce angst – a salmon flavoured gel pumped onto their food or rubbed on the back of their paws.  At a price equal to a long distance bus ticket, of course, but any port in a storm.

You would think that a cuddle, tickle and paw rub, delivering salmon flavoured goop onto their limbs would delight and please them.  Not so.  Speckle learned to disappear the minute the pump appeared while podgy Anushka, less nimble on her feet, developed an amazing knack for drawing her paws into her body with an iron grip.  Still, enough was wiped onto their fur (and my lap) to hopefully make a difference and they did seem to collapse into a lazy heap and doze more deeply afterwards. 

So much for the practice runs, now for the real deal.  Pump, wipe, drop into the cat carriers.  All good so far, they stare dopily through the mesh.  Place in car, close door and start engine.

“Yooooooowwwwwllll” came from the back seat.  “Meeeeeeeeeooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwww” yodelled the carrier next to me.  In a series of unearthly howls we travelled two kilometres.  Once released into their new lodgings, they crawled under the bed and snoozed the day away, exhausted.

Result?  Yes, I’d say so.  If I want the cats to sleep deeply on the couch, this is the remedy.  If the goal is transporting them, the only solution appears to be a brick to the back of the head.

   

Statute of Limitations

Faced with a medical history form to complete, inevitably I chew the end of my pen in some state of perplexion. (Yup, another word invented for my personal lexicon).

The questions are directed towards 'yes or no' responses, and many of them seem rather obsolete.  For instance 'Have you ever had any major surgery / operations?' Yes. But a removed gall bladder (33 years ago) and two caesarean sections (26 and 22 years ago respectively) hardly seem critically relevant today. Should the question not read 'Have you ever reacted badly to a general anesthetic?' or 'Have you had an organ removed?' - isn't that the meat of what they really want to know?

Where do long cleared childhood conditions fit in?  My temporal lobe epilepsy was declared treated 40 years ago after a series of normal EEG's.  So how do I answer the question 'Have you ever suffered from Epilepsy or any similar brain disorder?' Couldn't they put a time limit on that, say, 15 years, and rephrase that question 'Have you suffered any incidence of Epilepsy or similar brain disorder in the past 15 years?' 

It's not as though the forms are blessed with oodles of space for awkward handwritten explanations - 'yes I did but it was cured 40 years ago with no further sign of it since.'

Yet, drilled by some Puritanical need to come clean and confess, I religiously scrawl cramped notes with arrows directing the reader from the question to the answer.  Only to have the Dr / Technician glance at the form, ask when the condition ceased, then proceed to ignore the information.

Today, medicated conditions such as ADD and ADHD are all too commonly diagnosed and treated.  With time, many youngsters learn to manage the condition without drugs and continue to lead fully functional lives.  Until one day, needing a medical certificate for the opportunity of a lifetime, they are faced with 'Have you ever been treated for a brain disorder?' and minutes before a blood pressure test they overflow with anxiety and adrenaline.  'Do I answer Yes because I was on Ritalin for a while decades ago?'  A particular conundrum as in this case, Iron Man honesty combined with the reality that a false answer will mean eviction from the project, while admitting to a 'brain disorder' could kibosh taking part at all.

Yup, I realise that a) space is limited and b) the medics need to get the info as fast as possible, there isn't time to read essays, but it seems to me that better phrased questions could elicit monosyllabic answers in a more meaningful, useful way.  

An Unselfish Love

Living life through my kids?  Phah!  They stole my dreams. Long before Number 1 son was wearing long pants, I wanted a spoil vacation at Phinda Private Game Reserve. That's clearly a long term goal, because 20 odd years later I'm still waiting to enter Phinda's portal whereas he's lived there for weeks at a time. 

Being offered his first real flying job was cause for celebration, although his being based at Phinda was kinda freaky. And sending photographs and anecdotes about lionesses and cubs in the hangar and elephants in his garden was downright cruel.

Think about it in terms of someone who wags her tail at the slightest prospect of boarding a plane. That is what he does, EVERY day.  Gaborone, Maun, Victoria Falls, Antananarivo, Pemba, Harare, Windhoek, Vilanculos - Number 1's daily coffee stops.

                          

Number 2 son morphed into a microbiology scientist. Something of a surprise because I had him pegged more hands on with rocks or lizards, even dinosaurs. Yes, he battled to shrug off toddler fascination with feathers, interesting stones, Jurassic Park, reptiles of all shapes and sizes but never in a Mesozoic Era did I visualise him glued to a microscope, pouring over spores, bacteria and horrid little germy things.

How is it possible that he is almost en-route to the Antarctic on a scientific expedition? Well, two expeditions actually.

AND he goes via Chile for the first one so he can add South American stamps to his passport, which is a continent his mater has never stepped foot upon. 

The real miracle is, though, that I'm overwhelmed and completely delighted for both of them. Truth be told, I suspect I'm more excited about their travels and careers than they are. They are both so good at what they do and so totally in their natural space that they don't see how remarkable they and their lives are.  

Every now and then (OK, probably three times a week. At least) I almost pinch myself to make sure this is all real.  There are definitely not 50 shades of envy but I own up to 50 shades of thrill and happiness.  It's so exciting to watch my sons visit the places I've always wanted to but never will.  I lap up the photographs and stories and am on tenterhooks for the Antarctic chapter.

In a dog-eat-dog world where jealousy rules and whatever your colleague and neighbour has or does highlights what you don't, it's rather refreshing to be genuinely excited and delighted for something someone else has and does. 

Especially when it makes the ordinary look extraordinarily mundane, and involves my dreams. 

Parenthood continues to teach important life lessons long after our chicks have fledged.

Ghost in the Machine

And there we were, barrelling along 'tween Grahamstown and Bedford in Henry the Campervan while magical golden evening light enticed hidden tones of sparkling colour from farmland, mountain and trees.  Truly, this is an enchanted time of day in magnificent countryside and all's well with the world.

With a singular lack of planning and prearrangement, sometimes our vague accommodation plans are thwarted and today's were placed into that category by the unexpected closure of Bedford's one and only campsite.  However, the helpful owner pointed us towards Alicedale in search of The Old Mill 'opposite the cricket ground'. Nine kilometres of rumbly gravel road ended at a gateway charmingly over-arched with tangled creeper.  

There is something both olde world and other worldly about this part of the country. The vast landscape bathed in crystal light, little towns with architecture from another age, slumbering farmhouses snugly settled into the land and glowing like semi-precious stones on a backdrop of green velvet. Strikingly marked and hued cattle contentedly seek out nibbles in fields of grazing sheep and horse-filled paddocks lie alongside wide expanses of bush dotted with springbok and hartebeest.  This land oozes a soul-soothing unguent. 

The friendly farmer recovered well from the shock of a large campervan parked in his garden and our perky enquiry about camping and offered us a spot next to his cricket ground complete with access to the players' dressing room. Honestly, we'd landed in heaven - cows placidly levelled the outfield and the loudest noise was a gentle breeze sighing in the treetops.

The Old Mill Cricket Ground lies at the foot of blue-tinged mountains, encircled by oaks surely planted by an 1820 settler family and quirky touches like the school desk and benches spectator seating while the mill itself houses a pub heaving with cricket memorabilia.  More English village than African farmland, peace and tranquility descended faster than the setting sun and life was several galaxies beyond heavenly.

Needless to say, we slept the sleep of angels, even the munching cows couldn't delay our fall into lala-land.  And the noises which sounded like people moving about were obviously mischievous oak branches on tin roofs.  No second thoughts about that. Zzzzzzz.

Bright, sparkly sunlit drew us up and about but surely it was too early for the farmers adorable toddler to be up and giggling?  "I also heard children," Him Outdoors confirmed. "Early risers."  Perhaps, but they sounded as if they were right next to us yet not a sign of them.

Grabbing my camera, I began a leisurely meander around the buildings and found a plaque dedicated to a young man killed at the mill years before.  Oh, yes, I forgot to mention that nugget dug out of Google.  Apparently, he was dragged in by the wheel and drowned, and the farmer closed the mill forever. A sad story but not one that worried us last night and yet as I stared at the plaque, a strong thought erupted and pounded at my consciousness.  There is a spirit here and he wants us to leave.  

Flying over the bridge back to the van, Him Outdoors struggled to understand my gabble.  "What plaque? What ghost? What are you on about?" Dragging him back to the memorial, I  pointed at the pair of men's sandals neatly placed alongside.  "Those were NOT there when I was photographing 5 minutes ago!" 

"Oh, come off it.  The guy who switched the water on for us last night left his shoes here." 

"Really? Those shoes are dry, and it rained last night. And where is he?  We're alone and have been since we woke up." 

"Do you want to shower and leave then?" 

"Yes please.  We have to go as soon as possible, he really wants us gone." I felt this pumping through my veins - no harm, but we must leave.

Mysteriously enough, the state of the art gas geyser, while appearing to work (LED thermostat glowed reassuringly, the thing made all the right working noises) but the water ran stubbornly cold.  Refusing a cold shower, I bustled about and packed up at record speed. We needed to hurry.

Popping the last things into Henry, I glanced up to see the farmer rubbing his arms and looking perturbed at whatever Him Outdoors was relating. "You husband told me about hearing children," he said. "That makes me shiver. No children have died here at the mill but if you go through that gate and across two paddocks you'll find a graveyard filled with children's graves." 

No need, thank you.  And as we drove away on a glorious morning filled with promise, three shepherds herded a small flock of recalcitrant sheep past us onto the cricket oval. 

I checked - they were all wearing shoes.  

   

There is nothing new about New Year

Thanks to literature, we have names for Christmas spoilsports - Scrooge and Grinch.  But New Year?  None that I know of but if you have something, let me know.  Because I'm one of those people terminally bored by the New Year thing.

I'm the person at the party incredulously knee deep in the desperation of people to Have a Good Time, determinedly celebrating the movement of a clock.  The same people who bemoan the frantic passing of time and are markedly less enthusiastic about a birthday. 

I'm the woman wearing a sardonic twist to her eyebrow as folk eagerly exclaim about how brilliant this year is going to be, much better than last.

Why? How?  We turned a calendar page, got a day older, amended the final digit in a date.  But changed fortunes? Nah.  

Him Outdoors and I spent the 31st December 2016 in Cintsa, a darling little seaside village on South Africa's east coast and saw in the New Year with neighbours who a few hours before were strangers.  Pieter and Marlize were funny, interesting sharers of anecdotes and adventures, and respectfully roared with laughter at ours too.  Our New Year good fortune began when Pieter slunk off then reappeared bearing a bottle of the most delicious Glen Carlou 'The Welder' dessert wine - he's a regional manager for the wine estate.  Now that's a useful friendship to cultivate!

We awoke a few hours later somewhat thirsty and hoarse, eager for a fry up breakfast.  Our new friends popped in and we looked around, mutually agreeing that nope, nothing had changed.  Same blue sky, dazzling sunlight, tight belt (it's been a long, indulgent road trip!) and expectations that today, tomorrow and next week will follow the same routine and challenges as yesterday and last week.

And life went straight back to normal (whatever that means, I suspect our life is material for a horror/drama novel rather than a romance filmed through golden light).  Within hours we were fielding calls about various issues, answering emails, online banking and agreeing that one of us needed to do some laundry, with the usual debate as to who's turn it was.

At one point I stopped walking, causing Him Outdoors to wrench my arm almost from it's socket with the unscheduled pause.  (OK, we were holding hands on a beach walk.)

"I have this overwhelming feeling of  déjà vu," I burst out.  "It feels like ground hog day.  Not this romantic walk, but just plodding along with the same old, same old routine guide rails.  My head is turning around things I have to do, making mental notes and it's all the usual stuff I was doing daily last year. Finishing off a story, making a dental appointment, thinking about a car service, vowing to kick procrastination in the butt and finally settle down to some serious writing." 

"That's what you say every day," his response.  "When ARE you going to write that book?" Indeed.  No New Year resolution behind that thought at all, merely repetitive contemplation.

And there, gentle reader, you have it.  A road trip adventure, mind blown away by so many interesting sights and experiences yet the dull routine waiting just below the surface.  We just can't leave it behind.  An annual frenzy of overindulgence on every front, organisation stress and labour, a few days downtime and then whoopsie, the brain fires up like a rusty generator and we're back into the rut.

Frankly, no amount of eagerness takes this stuff away and hopeful expectations of a different life beginning on a particular day is lunacy.  Challenges, disappointments, accidents, happy moments, health issues and exciting news will occur as the year unfolds.  Like they did last year.  No special magic because we put the word New in front of Year.

So flip the calendar and diary over (really?  You still use paper?!) teach your brain to write the different digit and get up every morning with cheer.  This is your life and as long as you have shelter, food, are able to earn some income and have good friends and a loving family, you are cracking 2017 already.  

Just don't call it New.